Another 4th of July

I heard a commercial on the radio about an open forum to discuss if whether or not 4th of July firework displays should be toned down out of respect for veterans who are jumpy. I wasn't able to listen to the show, yet I do not think that the fireworks should be toned down. Rather than spending energy on this part, perhaps we as a society should address our veterans as members of our community... as being 'within' our community and not outside normal society. I must say that it isn't only veterans that are affected by in/out group dynamics and that other individuals, by identifying themselves with a group or the like find themselves burdenend by expectations/exceptions and viewpoints. Veterans is one of a few groups that I belong to that experience this.

I get off topic.

On the t.v. I noticed that there was a news special (KATU?) on how fireworks are noisy and lound and might cause strain on the happiness of.... pets. Pets? Really? What about mention of lots of veterans out there who go to nightclubs for the loud noise and escape the booms and bangs, or who drink themselves into numbness (me last year) or who put on headphones and loud music? Lets not talk about this on the t.v.... too divisive. You can be labled as a liberal or anti-war or unAmerican if you talk about this.

Bullshit. Because I am not for war does not mean I will not fight one beside my comrades. Because I question government policy does not make me unAmerican.

I noted yesterday that as I walked to the truck, cooler loaded and on my way to meetup with friends for a party, that I did not freak out when hearing fireworks around me. I met them at work, got the address, and we all drove to the house. As I drove down Scholl's Ferry Road, it was now dark and I liked the sight of fireworks in the sky. Then a LOUD firecracker (like a cherry bomb or something) went off at what seemed like the sidewalk as I drove by at 30 miles an hour.

FUCK! FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERIAMGOINGTOFUCKYOUUP!

That was not... I say again... NOT cool. My rig was never hit by an IED in Iraq... but one missed me one night and scared the shit out of me. I've rolled over plenty of other IEDs and IED heavy routes as well. Pucker factor is pretty damn high.

As I turned onto Barrows Street and winded through an open area the air was thick with smoke and the smell of burning fireworks. Pops and bangs all around me. Another IED went off nearby and I yelled more curses. My adrenaline was pushed up and I was chewing the hell out of a straw in my mouth. When I got to the house I cursed at fireworks across the street as I pulled the cooler out of my truck and walked to the apartment.

Inside... straight shot of bourbon and some beer. After a while I was fine and went outside and we shot off fireworks. It is like seing a snake. If I see it and know its coming, no big deal. But when it surprises me... I jump.

But all in all, except for that drive down an imagined IED alley, this 4th of July was not nearly as bad as last year. My emotions were, for the most part, much more calm than last year, and I was able to have normal social interaction with others.

Progress

I need a drink

Rarely do I turn to alchol for soothing. I can recall individual episodes in the past two decades when I needed a drink. I am going to make one now.

I've written, and I've told my therapist, about times when the feeling comes over me that I am close to falling apart into a million pieces, that I am exhausted from keeping all of the splinters that make my self togther and how puzzling it was to me to feel this sensation. I feel as though I were bound by scotch tape and that it was about to come undone and I'd explode like a supernova into a zillion pieces into the universe. I didn't understand this.

I am thinking again of the firefight in Iraq. In the last couple of counseling sessions we went to this topic and instant emotion wells up within me. The last one we ventured into it some more. I would become filled with emotion and then take a deep breath and soothe mysself. The therapist says that it is a very good coping mechanism I am using... that I am very good at it. Lots of practice. I still don't have any visual memories of what I saw down the street. I have clear memories of my hands on the rifle, the feel of it, the pulling the trigger... but not of what I saw. I know there were lots of bodies on the ground because others have said that they saw them all.

My therapist wants me to try EMDR. She says that while I don't have some signs of PTSD, I do have others... constant irritation (every damn day I am irritated by many people) and startle reflex. But there is more. As I finished a short test and we went over the results, there was also the emotionality of certain levels of intensity. I reported that when I get to a certain intensity of emotion, things fall apart and I shut down. With (my ex) we'd be making out hot and heavy and I'd get so worked up... and then I'd put the breaks on and back off. Frustrating to her and I recall the many fights that my last relationship had about this issue, which adds to more frustration on my part and a healthy dash of negative affect to the already boiling pot of emotion I am feeling. There are some other issues as well. Lack of concentration, really pissing me off in school, that I cannot focus. Also I am tired a lot of the time... mentally tired and I can't read but a few pages and I am sleepy and tired and have to close my eyes. And then we got to the concept of the amount of energy my mind is spending on repressing these things and that this is ailing me in a lot of ways and why I might feel like I might fall apart at times. That made perfect sense.

So we might try some EMDR therapy. I hope it works. I am entering a new relationship and I don't want an insane amount of baggage to deal with, nor subject her to all of this crap. It'd be nice to be able to deal with somone from a more stable platform than what I've had for the past two years.