relationships

Last night I watched a great movie, Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino.  It was a night after a long week of disconnected feelings and uneasiness.  As much as I read about mental health, about what PTSD is, about social interactions and the psychology of the military... as much as I know (and know that I know), I still found myself in a long week.  It had been two weeks of very little sleep, of working late hours, of deadlines for school exams, and I found myself in a state of not caring about anyone or anything.  It was only a week earlier that I had a spring in my step, a song in my heart, about meeting someone and dating her.  Suddenly, for no reason I could find, I found myself not caring, shying away from people, not wanting anyone near me.  At work I was allowed to go home because they assumed I had a bad cold.  Truth was I was emotionally flat and uncaring.

At the end of another long day I stopped, on a whim, at the movie theater to watch this movie.  Wonderful.  I cried.  I'm glad I was alone because I was not self conscious of my emotions and could give myself to the movie.  "What really haunts a man are the things he does and isn't ordered to", as Walt says in the movie.  In another scene, as his neighbors tell him he is a good man, he says flatly "I'm not a good man".  

I ached for Walt as he sat on his bed with the phone in his hand and looking at the admittance form for the hospital in his hand.  He was trying to connect with his son over the phone but couldn't.  In confession he says that his inability to be a father for his sons bothered him his entire life.  The picture of him sitting in the dark, alone, drinking his beer, tore at me.  I know so many of my comrades feel the same way.  At this moment I too felt the same way.  

I had to show strength and courage.  I was distancing myself from a wonderful person I had met.  I did not know what to say, what to do.  Emotionally I didn't even feel like doing anything... at least it seemed that way.  To be completely honest with myself (we lie to ourselves a great deal) I knew that I really wanted her in my life.  I was scared.  I was scared of bringing my self to her.  Scared of showing her my weakness.  Scared of showing her what haunts me.  

I know that healing occurs within relationships.

I drove to her.  I didn't know what to say.  I just went.   I am fortunate in that she understands.  She just held me while I fought my inner battle there, moving back and forth from clenched teeth and wracking guilt to a calm weariness.  No words from her, no "I understand", nothing like that... just holding me.  It isn't easy.  It is hard to share like that with her.  I recognize this.  And while I was there and she just holding me I became fearful of her being contaminated by me.  I moved from her touch, feeling on some emotional level that I was making her less by her contact with me.   Healing doesn't occur insantly, but this is a start.  

Today I am more toward center.  I am thankful.  I am blessed.