wired for life

Before I deployed down range I was different around my wife and kids. Now that I'm back I can only let them get so close before I have to get away. I used to have fun letting my boys jump and crawl all over me. We would spend hours playing like that... Now I can only take a couple of minutes of this before I have to get out. I usually get in my truck and drive back to base to be with my platoon...

A young sergeant paratrooper with 173 Airborne Brigade

Page 33 of "Once a Warrior: Wired for Life" by Cantrell and Dean

The young sergeant referred to here in the book was confused. He loved the energy of his kids before Iraq but after deploying, but now the high energy of his kids sent him over the edge. In Iraq he was 'wired tight' and was able to keep cool, to predict, endure, had greater tolerance levels... and when he came home he found that he was easily knocked off balance. He felt like a failure and he was afraid of the person he had become.

In this chapter, Chuck, a Vietnam vet, tells of his own emotional distancing when he got back from Vietnam. In the military we use the term 'the wire' to refer to the perimeter. It is a powerful symbol for us. For computer programers another symbol of protection and security might be a firewall, for others... a shield. We had our 'wire'.

Inside the wire we could let our guard down a little bit, though not really because there is always the incoming mortar attack. What can you do when mortars hit? How many times have I heard someone say "no use running... you might run to where they are landing". Many of us simply resolved to let the mortars 'fall where they may'. When my platoon, which operated on FOB Volunteer (the Old Iraqi Olympic Stadium a few blocks from Sadr City) would visit a large major base and happenstance occurs that the base is mortared, we'd shrug our shoulders and sit in our humveess while everyone around ran for bunkers during mortar attacks.

One time, as I was in the motor pool checking on a broken rig, my squad of three guys, had driven to the small chow hall to pick up a food delivery for some soldiers that lived at an Iraqi Army post. They moved their rig from one spot to another. Then a mortar attack and one of the mortars came close to where they had just been parked. This was proof positive for everyone that you can't plan to go anywhere, just go where you go and let the cards fall where they may.

However, outside the wire is a different story. Outside the wire one is on guard all the time. Even if you are on patrol and have to hole up for a while and you want to get sleep, you leave lots of wakeful eyes with fingers on triggers to keep watch. Outside the wire you are all business. Inside the wire, not so much.

Whenever I had guard duty at the front gate I would sometimes walk outside the front gate. I was alone, the rest of the guards were inside the gate and talking about women or football or whatever. I would go outside the front gate and lean against the wall. The night would be quiet and I'd reflect on the noticeable change in my nature with just a few steps. Subtle, but different.

This chapter in the book suggests that our new wire is a mental one. We've seen some pretty fucked up shit. How do you cope? You make a wall. You make a wire. Inside you are okay, outside is the threat. The building of this wire is normal. It has different forms. I trained as an EMT and a firefighter and came into contact with Emergency Room doctors and nurses and paramedics and firefighters who daily saw heartbreaking ordeals. To cope they developed a dark humor, making jests and poking fun of things that others not in their line of work would consider morbid or disrespectful. The people who did these jobs were very respectful of human life, but they needed means of coping with the loss around them. We too have seen destroyed bodies and homes. We've seen what is left of a busy intersection when a carbomb goes off. We've seen the result of our own shots. We too must cope, and so we build our 'wire'.